THE MEGA-MILLION DOLLAR NDN
An NDN wins the lottery

I was sitting in a nice fat lounge chair at Starbucks when and I noticed the Minneapolis Tribune on the coffee table and asked the guy sitting in one of the other big fat lounge chairs if he was done with the morning paper and he said, “Yes, it’s all yours.”

“Pida Maya” (thank you) I replied, sometimes I like to show off the few Dakota words I know even though he didn‘t know what I had just said.

After reading the latest on the Metro dome collapse and Congress extending tax breaks for the richest Americans I turn to the second page and check the daily lottery results. The Mega-Millions jackpot is up to a $237 million dollars I notice. The estimated cash option is $151 million dollars.

The odds of any of us hitting the Mega Millions jackpot is one chance in 175,711,536!

Why do otherwise intelligent people buy a lottery ticket when their chances are so slim?

The simply answer is somebody will eventually buy the lottery ticket that will have the five numbers plus the Mega-Ball.

The more rational people in the forty-two states that offer the Mega Million lottery understand what their odds of winning are and don’t bother wasting their money. However, the genius’s who run the state lotteries understand that there are more fool’s out there then there are rational people.

I have been playing the lottery for fifteen years so I quickly do the mental calculations on the $237 million jackpot. I decided many years ago that if I ever hit a big jackpot I am going to take the cash option.

If I was twenty or thirty years younger I would take the twenty-six annual payments, but at my age the cash option makes more sense for the simple reason I may not have twenty-six more years in me.

Okay, so taking the jackpot cash option is worth $152 million dollars I mentally calculate.

It has been said that American Indians don’t pay taxes. In fact, if one of us Indians did win the lottery and we took the cash option we will have to pay taxes on $152 million dollars. $150 million dollars will put us in the thirty-five percent tax bracket so that means 35% of the $152 million dollars is taxable income.

Lets see, thirty percent of $152 million dollars is about $52 million dollars. I will have to pay $52 million dollars to Deksi (Uncle) Sam.

I mentally subtract $52 million from $152 million and that leaves me with $100 million dollars. In few seconds of mental calculations I go from $237 million to a $100 million dollars. That is a difference of $137 million dollars I would lose if I took the cash option and deducted the taxes.

I quickly blow off the $137 million dollars because a $100 million bucks is still a lot of money.

I read the rest of the newspaper and finished my decaf coffee and in spite of the cold weather I decide to walk the four blocks to the Cub food store. I ask the sales clerk for four Mega Million Quick Pic’s for tonight’s drawing.

A lot of times when I buy lottery tickets I will tell the sales clerk that if I win I’ll come back and give them some money, but this time the clerk was busy with other customers so I didn’t make my usual promise and left the store.

I never listen for the results of the lottery drawings on the night of the drawings. What I like to do is relish the thought of winning the jackpot as long as I can and wait until the next day to check the previous day lottery numbers.

I usually buy only four lottery tickets, since there are four directions. I throw the Native American four directions theme into mix with the hope that it will somehow mystically help my odds.

After I have purchased my four ticket I get a piece of paper and do the calculations on paper to confirm my mental calculations. Once I am done with that I make a silent promise to God that if He let’s me win tonight’s lottery I will give Him ten percent of the winnings.

Lately, I have been promising Him that if He lets me win I’ll give Him ninety percent and I’ll keep ten percents. Ninety percent of $100 million dollars is $90 million dollars that I promise to give to God if He lets me win the lottery tonight.

I am not trying to bribe God, certainly He doesn’t need the money, but $90 million dollars will do a lot to feed the hungry people of the world. At my age I should be able to live comfortably the rest of my life on $10 million dollars I think to myself.

Sometime in the last few years I realized that a person can only wear one pair of shoes and drive one car at time.

If I win the $237 million dollar lottery tonight I will end up $10 million dollars, it doesn’t bother me one bit that I just lost $227 million dollars!

Part Two

“Its about 340 miles to Milwaukee and it should take us about six hours if we don’t stop at any of the Wisconsin Indian casino and waste money,” I say to my wifey of thirty years.

Wifey is crazy about slot machines, she has wasted thousands of dollars playing them stupid machines.

“Well, you’re always playing them stupid lotteries and wasting money,” Wifey replies.

“It only cost four bucks!” I reply indignantly.

“Ya, twice a week and sometimes more, that’s like ten bucks a week, fifty-two weeks a year, that’s over five hundred bucks you spend playing that stupid lottery.”

“You got a better chance of snagging Lady GaGa then you do of hitting the lottery!”

My Wakanka (Old Lady) sure has a way of putting things into perspective.

“Ya, ya, you have been saying that for fifteen years now but somebody is gonna’ win that lottery and I am way over due,” I reply.

The Milwaukee trip was uneventful and after I finished my business we started our journey back to Minneapolis.

Nearing the Wisconsin Dells exit I say to Wifey, “Pull into Barrabo Casino and let’s hit the buffet and then we’ll give the Hochunks (Winnebago Indians) a few of our Indian Head nickels.”

“Okay.” she replies all cheezy.

After we finish eating I take a seat next to her at the penny machine. I decide to watch because it can be downright spendy when both of us are playing “Max” on the penny machines.

Wifey puts in a twenty dollar bill and after a few presses of the $1.20 penny button she turns to me and says, “Did you check your lottery tickets?

“No, I reply, “I forgot all about them.” “I’ll check the Minnesota Lottery website on my iphone right now.”

“Let’s see number 10-12-13-22-27 and the Mega Ball is 9” I quietly mumble to myself.

“Unless I am going cross-eyed, trying desperately to contain my excitement, “I think I got all of the numbers!”

Wifey stops pressing the $1.20 penny button and looks at me and says, “Are you shitting me?”

Let me tell you right now Wifey doesn’t swear except when other drivers cut her off, so her response surprised me. “No, here look,” I say.

Wifey says, “Here give me that ticket, wait, I gotta’ get my reading glass out of my purse.”

She fumbles through her purse and finds her reading glasses and says softly 10-12-13-22-27 and the Mega Ball is 9.

“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh,” she repeats over and over.

I hold up the ticket to the lottery website on my iphone and repeat the numbers on the ticket “10-12-13-22-27, and the Mega-Ball is 9,” I say.

We sit there stunned.

I grab her arm and squeeze it hard and I say “Lady GaGa here I come, let’s get out of here, let’s go to the car and check this out again, here, put the ticket in your purse, let’s go!”

“I still got $12 dollars on the machine.”

“Wongay!” Are you kidding me? “I got a ticket worth $237 million dollars and your worried about a friggin’ twelve bucks?”

We quickly exit the casino and get in our car and re-check the numbers.

Wifey says, “How can we find out if these numbers are right”

“Drive over to the c-store and I’ll ask them what the numbers were for last nights drawing, I’ll go in there and ask if they can print out the winning numbers. I won‘t show them my ticket.”

“Okay,” she says and we drive over to the Hochunk c-store.

I go inside and ask the clerk to print out the Mega-Millions numbers for last nights drawing. The store clerk casually says, “Someone from Minneapolis won it.”

“Oh really,” I reply with equal casualness.

The store clerk prints out the numbers and I take the printout and buy some sunflower seeds and a diet coke just to alleviate any suspicion I may have aroused. I casually walk out of the c-store and we get back on I-94.

I look at the numbers on the print out and they match my lottery ticket.

I let out a war hoop, “Hoka hey, Hoka hey, I told you that I was gonna’ hit that sucker one of these days!”

We drive only a mile or so and I say to Wifey, “Pull into Wisconsin Dells they must have a Kinko, I am going to make an enlarged copy of this ticket and buy some kind of plastic folder to put this ticket into.”

“Don’t let anyone else see the ticket,” wifey says.

“Settle down women, there’s nobody in the whole wide world who knows that we have this ticket, the Minnesota lottery people must be wondering why the winner hasn’t come forward yet.”

Part Three

The four hour trip back to Minneapolis was one of the most enjoyable trips of my life, it even beat the “Freedom Bird” flight out of Vietnam.

My wifey does all the driving because she says I do not pay enough attention when I drive. Suits me fine.

I climb into the back seat and write $100 MILLION DOLLARS on the large tablet I purchased at Kinko’s. I promised to give God 90% so I subtract $90 million dollars from the $100 million.

$10 million dollars left for me. I have three children and will give each of them a million dollars. That will leave wifey and me with $7 million dollars. I am going to give a million dollars away to all of the people who have been our friends.

We started with the list, this took about two hours of our trip to Minneapolis. We came up with 173 names right off the top of our heads. We discussed whether we should give each friend an equal amount of money or should we give more to those who were “better” friends?

We decide against having a big Wopida (thanksgiving) because we did not want to offend anyone, and we decide to keep it our secret on how much we give to each friend.

Next, we consider giving each of our close relatives money. Cante’s mother and father are still alive so we’ll pay off their mortgage and buy them a nice car or pickup. My mother is still alive and I have four brothers and two sisters and I will hook them all up with a few bucks. This will take $2.0 million dollars.

We have $5.0 million dollars left.

Next, we discuss how much we need to live comfortable the rest of our lives. I am sixty years old and can expect to live another twenty years. A hundred and fifty grand per year for twenty year will be $3 million dollars.

We have $2.0 million dollars left.

Cante says, “I want that two carat diamond ring we saw at Tiffany‘s.”

“Okay,’ I say, “That‘s $30 grand.“ “I am going to buy two Rolex watches, that will be about $30 grand for both of them.”

“We’ll trade this car in.”

“No, we’ll just give it away,” Cante says.

“Okay,” I reply. “We’ll buy a Cadillac Escalade and a Cadillac STS, and a nice pickup, just for the trips back to the rez” I say. “All that should cost about $200 grand, that leaves us 1.8 million dollars.”

“We’ll just leave that in the bank and after we get tired of traveling, maybe we’ll buy a condo in Minneapolis and a small house on the reservation.”

“Oh, then I’m am going to have to show Lady Gaga a good time and that won’t be cheap,” I say.

“Ko-et-cha,” Cante says, smiling.

“I told you I was going to hit that sucker,” I say for the hundredth time.

Two days later when we went to claim the hundred million dollars jackpot we requested that our identity be kept secret and we picked up the hundred million dollar check with little fanfare.

Nobody would have believed the state lottery folks anyway that the winner of the Mega-Million dollar lottery was a Indian named Joe Blow.

After I got out of the military I went back to my reservation with the hope that I could rid myself of the ghosts of war that haunted me. I tried booze and pot for a couple of years but that didn’t really work.

Eventually I got sick and tired of being sick and tried from all the cheap booze and peji (marijuana) and took a bus to Chicago and got a job with United Parcel Service and began a career with UPS.

One day I decided that I needed to get married and have some kids. Up until that point in my life one night stands was all of a female relationship I wanted. Plus, my UPS co-workers were bugging me about being a Queer since I wasn‘t married.

The Nawizi tribe holds their annual pow-wow in August so I took a two week vacation and drove my new car back to the reservation just for the purpose of finding an Indian wife.

After the second night of the pow-wow they held a Forty-Nine dance a couple miles from the main pow-wow arena and away from the tribal police.

I was with some former drinking buddies sipping a beer when I noticed a pretty Indian girl several cars down.

I asked my buddies, “Who is that nice looking winyan (Indian girl) over there?

“That’s Cante Don’t Play,” they said.

“But, she’s a cherry girl, she went to college and has a good job at the Indian Hospital so your not going to get far with her.”

“Just what I am looking for,” I reply.

I down another Bud Lite for courage and walk over to her.

“I heard your name is Cante Don’t Play, so I said to myself, “Self, you have got to go meet that girl with the name Cante Don’t Play.”

She smiles and says, “Yes, that’s my name, what’s your name, I haven’t seen you around, are you from a different tribe?

“No, I’m from here, I reply, but I live and work in Chicago.”

“How, would you like to come live with me in Chicago Cante Don’t Play?

She smiles broadly and says, “Okay.”

We both laugh.

That is how I met my wifey Cante Don’t Play. Cante means Heart in Dakota. We got married after a short courtship and moved to Chicago and eventually had three kids and the Queer rumors at work ceased.

After ten years of urban living we decide to move back to the reservation. I got a job with the tribe as the business manager. Cante stayed home too raise the kids. Life was good on the reservation.

One day at work I was going over several tribal accounts and noticed discrepancies in several tribal credit card accounts. I reported this to the tribal council. I was convinced that someone on the council was committing fraud.

They fired me!

I appealed their decision to tribal court but the judge was bought and paid for by the tribal council.

Frustrated, defeated, and angry Cante and I packed up our bags and moved to Minneapolis. I went back to work for United Parcel Service.

Part Four

I never actually thought that I would “really” have to give God 90% of my winnings. But, a promise is promise and $90 million dollars will do a lot of good in the world. I had just read an article that said a world hunger organization had interviewed 3,000 of the world’s poorest children in countries all over the world and asked six simple questions.

“What do you need most?" the children were asked. "The thing I need most is breakfast,'' a youngster from Senegal responded.

"Notebooks, so I can write my school lessons,'' said a student in Indonesia.

Another question asked, "If you had $1, what would you buy?'' Forty-five percent said food and or water; 19 percent said clothes.

Asked how often they go to bed hungry, a third of the children said at least once a week.

Yes indeed, $90 million dollars can do a lot of good and the remaining ten million is more then enough money for me.

I go on-line and check various investment opportunities. I discovered in today’s economy you don’t get much return on your money. Banks are paying only 2.25 percent interest, and 90 day Treasury Bills are only paying 0.14 percent. The best secured investment is 30 year Treasury Bonds that pay 4.51%.

I have a friend from high school who is the only tribal member working at one of the three banks on the reservation. I decide to give her a call.

I invite her to come to Minneapolis to talk about how to best invest ninety million dollars. Upon her arrival we spend the whole weekend going over the various investment options. I decide that establishing a non-profit corporation is the best way to get the maximum benefit out of God’s ninety million dollars and put the $90 million dollars in thirty year Treasury Bonds. At 4.51 percent the $90 million will earn $4,059,000 each year.

I will give away the $4 million earned interest each year. Doing it this way the $90 million dollars will be a perpetual investment instead of spending the whole $90 millions at one time.

My banker friend comes up with an another intriguing idea. Since she works at the local bank and is a tribal member she is aware of the tribes loan’s with the bank. She said the tribe has a loan at the bank for ten million dollars and the loan interest rate is 7.5%. She also said the tribe owes over $30 million dollars to the casino rich Siouxdoe Indian Tribe of Minnesota and say’s the tribe is also paying 7.5% on that loan.

I ask why the our tribe is paying such a high interest rate on their loans and she says, “After the tribe fired you they hired a white guy, and about a year go they fired him also, so now they have a high school dropout with a GED working in tribal finance.”

“Of course, the local bank and the Siouxdoe Tribe aren’t going to say anything to the tribe about re-financing their loans.”

Isn’t that unethical I ask?”

“Yes, it is,” she states.

“So why don’t you say something about it to the bank,” I say.

“Hey, Joe Blow, I got four kids to feed and the tribe doesn’t listen to anyone anyways, so I just keep my mouth shut and feed my kids and pay the mortgage!”

“But, here’s what you should do Mr. multi-millionaire Joe Blow.”

“Go to the tribe and propose to pay off all their loans.“

“But, tell them you want to be re-paid at the same 7.5% interest they are currently paying the bank and the Siouxdoe Tribe.”

“The tribes has a total of $45 million dollars in loans. You could invest $45 million in Treasury Bonds and earn a little over $2 million dollars a year. And loan the tribe $45 million dollars at 7.5%, you could earn $3.375,000 a year in interest.”

“Your total earned interest will be $5.375.000 million dollars a year.” “That can feed a lot of hungry kids throughout the world.”

“That is an interesting idea,” I say. “Maybe, even a little redemption for firing me years ago.”

“All those people involved in that are gone now and back on the streets just like you and me.”

“Broke ass Indians, just like they were before they got on council,” my banker friend replies.

“Thanks for the all of the advice, I’ll see back on the reservation in a couple weeks.” “Here’s the keys to our old car,” I say.

I call the tribal office to set up an appointment and the janitor answers the phone and says the tribe is not working today, a water break had sent them all home.

I called again the next day and made an appointment to met with the tribal council. I explained to the Chairman that I was Joe Blow, a tribal member, and I had won the Mega-Millions lottery and wanted to sit down and talk business with the tribal council.

He was quite interested in how much I had won after taxes, I told him a hundred million dollars and he was genuinely impressed.

“Sure we’ll be glad to sit down with you Joe, I’ll let the council know that I scheduled a meeting with you, I’m sure they would like to hear what you have to offer.”

A week later Wifey and I drive back to the Reservation in our brand new pickup.

I arrive an hour earlier then scheduled just to sit in on the council meeting. There was some discussion about a employee bonus scandal at the community college. When it came time to vote on that issue the tribal council kicked us out of the council chambers. A half an hour later, they let us back into the council chambers.

The Chairman recognized me sitting in the back of the chambers and said, “We will be right with you Mr. Blow.”

On another issue it only took a few minutes for the tribal council to vote to throw out the tribal medicine man.

I haven’t live on the reservation for years and did not even know the tribe had an official medicine man. Apparently, the defrocked medicine man had made the mistake of telling some of the tribal members that his way was the only way to run a sun dance.

Finally, it was my turn. I slowly and concisely explained my offer. I would pay off all of the tribes debt, but I wanted the tribe to repayment me at the same terms of the loans they currently had with the local bank and the Siouxdoe Tribe.

I explained that I had intended to give away 90% of the lottery winnings and I explained that I could help both the tribe and my non-profit corporation. I was confident that I left the impression that my intentions were pure and I personally would not benefit from my proposed offer.

I noticed several of the council members sitting there with the “deer in the headlights“ look.

The Chairman said, “You have brought a very interesting proposal to us, we will now go into closed session, and we will tell you our decision, we appreciate your patience Mr. Blow, we won’t keep you long.”

I step outside to get some fresh air. A former drinking buddy is panhandling outside the tribal office and I gave him a crisp new hundred dollar bill and we joke about the bad old days, and the tribal council secretary calls me back into the council chambers, I look at my Rolex it took exactly 23 minutes.

The Chairman says, “Mr. Blow, as I said previously stated we appreciate your offer, however the tribal council has voted not to accept your proposal.”

I was stunned.

“Why?” I asked lamely.

“The council feels that the tribe has had a long term relationship with the Siouxdoe Tribe and the local bank, and in the future we may need more money, and we do not want to jeopardize our relationship with them, you understand don’t you Mr. Blow? the Chairman said.

“No I don’t. “Did I not explain myself clearly?” “This is a chance for the tribe to be free from the clutches of the local bank and the Siouxdoe Tribe and to be completely debt free,” I state.

Again, the “deer in headlight stares,” this time by all seven of them. I left the council chambers totally stunned.

Cante and I started out for Minneapolis. As we neared the reservation boundaries I said, “Cante let me off!”

“Why?” she asks.

“I am going to wipe off the dust of this reservation for the last time.”

“It says in the Good Book if a town refuses to welcome you, wipe the dust from your feet to show you have abandoned them to their fate.”

Three months later my banker friend calls me and say, “I thought you might like to know the tribe was in the bank today wanting to borrow more money.”

“You’re offer was discussed all over the reservation and the geyapi (gossip) is that there were several council members who did not want to see another Indian make some money.”

“You know I wasn’t doing it for myself, I have all the money I need. I was thinking about all the hungry people in the world,” I said.

“I know, but for a tribe that pretends to possess values of ancient Indian values of Sharing and Generosity the hungry people in the world don’t count,” she said.

The end.