NDN HUMOR




“Hey Johnny boy, come down to the Buffalo Bar and I’ll buy you some “fire mini (firewater/alcohol).”


“I want to pick your brain, what’s left of it.”

“Wait, hold on, I have to ask Wakanka (my old lady) if I can.”

“Hahaha, just come on down, you don’t have to ask, like me, I don’t ask my old lady.”

“Yaa sure.” “She probably kicked you out that’s why your sitting in the bar crying in your beer.”

“No seriously, come on down.”

“Okay, I’ll be down, I’m right in the middle of selling some of my AT&T and Goggle stock, but I‘ll be there shortly.” 

“What’s your flavor John?“

“I’ll just have a Bud light.“ 

“I’m sitting here thinking why the tribe changed its name from the Sisseton Wahpeton Sioux Tribe to the Sisseton Wahpeton Oyate? Jake Snake asked.

“You have to understand some history before I can give you an answer.“ I said.

“There was or were three divisions of Dakota or Sioux Indians. They were - the Dakota, the Lakota, and the Nakota’s.

The Dakota’s were made up of the Mdewakanton’s, the Wahpekute‘s, the Sisseton‘s, and the Wahpeton’s. They owned what is now the southern half of the state of Minnesota.

The Teton’s are Lakota Indians; and the Yankton and Yanktonai are known as the Nakota’s who lived on the prairies of what is now eastern South Dakota.

All these bands are related linguistically.

With some minor differences, such as how they say Friend. The eastern Dakota’s say Koda. The Lakota’s say Kola, and I don’t know how the Nakota’s say friend. Sometimes the Dakota’s are referred to as the Da Da Indian‘s, since they use the D in the language. The Lakota’s are sometimes referred to as the La La’s Indians because they use the L. And the Yankton and the Yanktonai use the N, so I suppose you could say they are the Na Na Indians.”

“How we use to live in the old days and the fact that we owned half of Minnesota reminds me of my cousins Filmore and Harvev and their modern day experiences in Minnesota.”

“Filmore was a natural born artist, one day he got tired of the reservation bullshit so he moved to Minneapolis and got a job with a graphic design company without any formal education. He was that good of an artist. He was a good Dakota Indian at heart but couldn’t handle his booze like a lot of Dakota’s.

Filmore finds a neighborhood bar and at first he was a good customer, a real friendly outgoing guy until the “Red Rage” came out, and he would start mouthing off and raising hell with the other customers. The bar owner had a couple of Gopher football players as bouncers and they grabbed old Filmore and took him outside of the bar. A big old fight ensued outside, after awhile Filmore comes back into the bar, shirt torn, and a couple of knots on his head. He says to the owner and the rest of the customers, “Them big Bohunks ain’t nothing compared to the white boys I had to fight back on the reservation.”

The bar owner fires the two football players and hires a guy who owned a pet gorilla.

A couple of weeks later Filmore comes into the bar and just like before he is a nice, friendly, and outgoing until he gets one too many beers in him, and he starts to irritate and mouth off to the other bar patrons.

The bar owner calls the man with his pet gorilla, and the gorilla grabs Filmore, and hauls him outside. And like before there is a big fight outside. After awhile Filmore comes back into the bar, his shirt torn, a couple of scratches and says, “You give them Chippewa’s a fur coat and they think they own the bar!”

“My other cousin Harvey or Harv was a nice looking Indian guy, but he was never off the reservation before, but one days decide to go to Minneapolis to look for a job. He wasn’t there very long when the Minneapolis police picked him up running buck-ass naked down a Minneapolis street.

The cops threw him in the squad car and they say to him. “Chief, I don’t know where you came from, but in Minneapolis you definitely have to wear clothes, you better have a damn good excuse why you’re running down the street with no clothes on.”

Harv says to the cops. “I was going to the convenience store to get a Coke and a pack of cigarettes when this real sharp white chick in a snazzy red convertible pulls along the curb and says to me, “How would you like to ride around.”

I said, “Ok.” 

“We get some beer and ride around for awhile and she says, “Let’s go to Lake Calhoun and park, so we do.” 

“She spreads a blanket on the ground, and she takes my shirt off and she takes her blouse off. She lays down on the blanket and takes off her bra and panties and says. “Come lay down beside me.” So I do.

“Next, she unbuckles my belt and takes off my pants and pulls down my shorts.” Of course, I am getting all hot and bothered, and she lays back and says, “You can go to town now!”

“So, Officers that is why I why running down the street!” 

Part Two

“Hahaha, good one John, your cuz Harv wasn’t to bright was he?”

“You want another beer?”

“No, not yet.”

“Anyways, The Teton people were the largest band and they had several subdivisions that roamed all over present day eastern and western South Dakota.

The Yankton’s and Yanktonai also roamed all over but favored what is now southeastern South Dakota.”

“When the Dakota’s got kicked out of Minnesota in 1863 the Mdwakantons were the ones responsible for starting the war of 1862, so they and the Wahpekute’s ran off to the prairies after the short lived war to what is now North and South Dakota, and some went as far away as Montana and into Canada.”

“Here’s to those who wish us well Jake the Snake, those that don’t can go to hell.” I say as my beer glass touches his beer glass.

“Anyways, when I was a kid we lived four miles south of Bumduck on Highway 81. Our two room house, or a shack, would be a better description was maybe one hundred and fifty feet from highway 81. My mother was baby sitting for the neighbor’s five kids while they both went to work at the Indian Hospital.

On any given week day there must have been a dozen of us kids, or as Mom called us “The dirty dozen.”

“One day the neighbor gave us kids a case of Coke as a treat. So, after we drank up the case of Coke we were all “hyped up” on a sugar high, and we were constantly running in and out of the house. In and out, in and out we went.

Finally, my Mom in exasperation hollers, “You kids quit running in and backing out!”

“Later that day we are running around all over the yard playing, on the porch and off the porch, and in and out of the house. We never had grass in our yard like the white people in town have.” 

“Hepanna stops and at points to a white man who had pulled off to the side of the road and it looked like he is having car trouble. We watched silently as he opened the hood and was fiddling around with the engine. After twenty minutes he throws his arms up in exasperation and slams down the hood and starts walking toward our house.

“Winona runs in to tell Mommy a white man is coming toward the house. Momma comes out of the house and stands on the porch as the dirty dozen gather at her side.”

“The white man says, “Mame, do you have a monkey wrench?”

My Momma looks at the white man indignantly and says, “Ko-it-cha, these are my kids!”

(ko-it-cha is an Indian slang word that means “Oh my gosh. Or, As if. Or, whatever.”

“My Mom, who I dearly love was quite the character.”

“Later, after we all got to be adults she got a job at the tribal office. The tribe applied for a federal discretionary grant from the US Department of Labor program, they called it the Comprehensive Employment Training Act or CETA for short.

It was a quite popular program. Indians from all over the reservation were given the opportunity to learn a skill, and for many of them it was the first job they had ever held, outside of seasonal labor.”

“Since my Mom had a drivers license she was hired to be the driver or errand runner for the tribe. Back in those days, before gaming money, the tribe had maybe had only three or four used vehicles that the government had given them.

“One day she was told to go the airport in Minitown and pick up a government bureaucrat who was coming to visit the tribe. Minitown is about fifty miles away.”

“Mr. Anderson will be flying in about 11:00 AM,” she was told. “Pick him and bring him to the tribal headquarters.” 

As the passengers disembarked from the plane and entered the terminal a white man notices my mother waiting in the lobby and walks up to her and says, “Are you from the Nawizi Tribe?”

“Hau, I mean, Yes,” my Mom says.

“Are you Mr. Anderson?”
“Yes.” 

“I came to give you a ride back to the tribe.” Mom says.

She puts his luggage in the truck.

Mr. Anderson says, “Do you mind if I sit in the front.” “No, please do.” Momma says.

“Momma gets in and turns the ignition on and the used government car doesn’t start. After repeated attempts she gets out and opens the hood and pulls on this cable and that cable, and shakes the battery and gets back into the car and attempts to start the car again and it still doesn’t start, she get out again and shakes the battery again.”

“Mr. Anderson is quietly and patiently waiting for Momma to get the car started, finally he says, “Do you want a screw driver?”

“Momma looks at him kind of funny and says, “We might as well the damn car won’t start!”

“We’re not sure if that is what Momma actually said but it make the rounds at the tribal office and it was good for a laugh.”

“Hahaha, another good one John.” “Ready for another beer?”

“Yes, another Bud light.”

“Anyways, the government rounded up the remnants of the Sisseton and Wahpeton bands and incarcerated sixteen hundred of them at Fort Snelling during the winter of 1863, and then shipped them off to Crow Creek South Dakota in April 1863.”

“They damn near starved, so some were allowed to settle in northeastern Nebraska, later some families drifted to the Flandreau South Dakota area and some came back to Minnesota after things settled down in Minnesota.”

“That story I just told you Jake, I don’t know if it actually happened, but, this is a true story and it also had to do with the CETA program.”

“One day at a tribal council meeting there was an Indian women sitting in the back of the council chambers impatiently waiting for an opportunity to address the council. Finally, the Chairman notices her fidgeting in the back of the room. The Chief says, “Mrs. Comes Flying do you have something you would like to ask or present to the tribal council?”

“Mrs. Comes Flying gets up from her seat and moves toward the council men seated in a semi-circle. She pounds her fist on the table and says loudly. “I demand to know who that CETA lady is?”

“All of the council were stunned by her outburst.”

“Finally, Bill Goat from the Skunk Hollow District says.

“CETA lady! What CETA lady? What are you talking about Mrs. Comes Flying?”

“Mrs. Comes Flying says, “Well, I heard all the boys on the reservation are trying to get on CETA and I demand to know who she it!”

“hahaha, good one John.” 

“Indian women are the salt of the earth, they are the flour in the fry bread mix, and they have kept us Dakota men going by their humor. Many times they don’t even know they are making us laugh.”

“My cousin Jenny Big Jugs actually graduated from the Bumduck High School at the top of her class and attended the Indian school called Haskell Institute in Lawrence Kansas.” 

“At the time Haskell was only a vocational school because the Washington bureaucrats did not think Indians would amount to anything and Indians did not have the brains to go to college so vocational school was it for aspiring Indians. After completing the clerical course Jenny got a job in the Washington BIA office.”

“Some Indians say BIA stands for Boss Indians Around, and others say, no, it stands for Buy Indians Alcohol.”

“After working in the BIA headquarters for 15 years Jenny transfers to Indian Health Service, which is the federal agencies that runs the Indian hospitals and clinics across America.”

“After five year at the IHS headquarters in Rockville Maryland Jenny is assigned to the urban health care clinic in Cleveland Ohio. Every year the Indian Health Service bureaucrats inspect all the urban Indian health clinic across America.”

“Jenny goes to the airport to pick up the visiting bureaucrat and as they are driving to the downtown urban clinic the Rockville bureaucrat remarks how “black” the neighborhood is that the clinic is located in.”

“ He says, “I bet its tough working down here.”

“Yes, it is,” Jenny remarks.

“In my three year here I have been raped once and mugged three times.” she states. “It’s the muggings that I don’t like.” She said.

“Hahaha.” Jake laughs.

“These stories I’m telling you must be true Jake, I swear you can’t make this stuff up.” I say.

“Nurse, bring another round for Jake the Snake and me.” I’m just getting warmed up Jake.”

“Anyways, the government gave the Sisseton and Wahpeton bands in 1867 a nine hundred thousand acre reservation in northeastern South Dakota because two hundred of them served as scouts for the military.”

“In 1887 the government later came and screwed the Sisseton and Wahpeton bands out of six hundred thousand acres of land by using a scheme the US government called the General Allotment Act.”

“The Sisseton and Wahpeton’s basically languished in poverty until the United States government declared the War on Poverty in 1964. The two bands thrown together in 1867 gradually became known as the Sisseton and Wahpeton Sioux Tribe, but as the people became more interested in their history and culture they changed the tribe’s name to the Sisseton Wahpeton Oyate. They dropped the words AND, SIOUX, and TRIBE from their name. So, basically two formerly distinct Dakota bands became one tribe.”

“Most Dakota Indian girls are beautiful when they are young, before they get pregnant and eat too much fry bread.”

“So white men came from all over the Midwest to have sex with them.”

“It was a game.”

“The Indian girls know what the white men want, and they are going to make them pay for it.”

“There was this one girl whose name was Dorothy Comes at Night, who frequently played the game of cat and mouse with the white men. Dorothy was a pretty young thing, not overly bright, kind of the like the Indian version of the “dumb blonde.” But, rather then being blonde she had coal black hair.”

“One day a new white guy comes to town and apparently did not know the “rules” of the game.” 

“He boldly approaches Dorothy on the Main Street of Bumduck and asks her if she would like to go on a “date.”

“Dorothy answers him by stating. “Yes, but wait until dark time.”
It just so happens an Indian fellow by the name of Smokey Bear was standing near by and heard Dorothy say “wait until dark time.” Henceforth, that became her nickname: Dorothy “Dark Time” Comes at Night.

“One time Dark Time was parked out in the country with an older white man and the fellow was rubbing the inside of Dark Times thigh as she sat in the front seat sipping beer and smoking a cigarette nonchalantly.”

“He says to Dark Time, “How far can I go Dorothy?” Dark Time replys, “Oh, any far!”

“Dark Time” also had Indian boy friends. One time she got pregnant and went to the Indian Hospital to deliver the baby. After the delivery the nurse comes into the recovery room and says, “Dorothy I have to ask you a few questions.”

“Okay” Dorothy says.

“Who is the father of the child?”

“Oh, the boys.” Dorothy replies.

Part Three

“One more beer for us Nurse, and then I got to get home before the New York Stock Exchange closes.” I say.

“Shee-it, you ain’t got no stocks.” Jake says. “All you got is USDA Commodities.”

“My friend Jonas Whale wasn’t feeling so good so he had his son Chaske takes him to the Indian Hospital. After an extensive check up the doctor says to Jonas. “Mr. Whale I have some bad news. The tests indicate you have a terminal cancer, I suggest you go home and prepare your family for the worst.”

“Okay.“ Jonas said. When Jonas came out of the examining room and into the hospital lobby Chaske asks. “Dad what did the doctor say?”

“The Doc said that I have terminal cancer and I should go home and prepare the family for the worst, but you know how us Indians are, when things are going good we go and celebrate, and when things aren’t going so good we celebrate.”

“Let’s go to the VFW (Veterans of Foreign War) Club and have a few drinks.”

“Jonas and his son weren’t hard core boozer so the few Indians in the bar were surprised to see them in the bar on an afternoon.”

“They said, “What’s the matter Jonas and Chaske? How come you guys are drinking in the afternoon?”

Jonas said, “We just came from the clinic and the doctor said I had terminal AIDS, but you know how us Indian are, when things aren’t going so good we celebrate, so we came to have a few beers before I go home and break the news to my family.”

Chaske started to say, “Dad, I thought you told me the doctors……”

“But, Jonas put his hand on his arm and cuts him off.”

“That’s too bad,” their friends said, “If you don’t mind we’re going to buy you and Chaske a drink.”

“Okay.” Jonas said.

“After expressing their condolences, and a few more rounds of beer the friends left.”

“When they left Chaske says, “Dad, I thought you said the doctors said you had terminal cancer, why did you tell those guys that you had terminal AIDS?” 

“I don’t want none of them guys sleeping with your mom after I’m gone!”

“Bring Jake some more refreshments Nurse.”

“You got me going with these crazy Indian stories.”

“Anyways, mahto (bear) with me, I’ll eventually get to answering your question why the Sisseton and Wahpeton Sioux Tribe changed their name to the Sisseton Wahpeton Oyate.” 

“Oyate means people. So the name change was an effort to make the Sisseton and Wahpeton Sioux Tribe’s name more historically correct - the Sisseton Wahpeton People.”

“Personally, I think they should have called the Sisseton and Wahpeton Tribe the Nawizi Tribe.”

“Nawizi means jealousy in the Dakota language.”

“Now there must have been a reason why the Dakota Indians of old separated into seven bands. I think they didn’t always get along just like Indians today don’t always get along today. They like to pretend their one big happy family, when in fact, they fight like cats and dogs.”

“And over what - crumbs!”

“ They are in a constant state of jealousy because someone’s got a bigger crumb then they do, that’s bullshit.” I said.

“You may find this hard to believe but Barbara Walters for the ABC network actually came to Bumduck South Dakota.”

“ABC was doing a program on Racial Discrimination in South Dakota. With her camera and recording crew following close behind she goes into the largest store in Bumduck and approaches a young Indian fellow in the store.” 

“Sir, I am from ABC and would like to interview you for a segment we are doing on racial discrimination in South Dakota. She finishes the interview and as she is leaving she notices that the fellow had one feather tied to his hair.”

Barbara asks, “Sir, why is it that you have one feather attached to your hair?” 

“This one feather represents my one and only sexual conquest in my life - my wife.”

“That is very interesting.” Barbara says.

“The ABC crew goes across the street to the local pool hall. As they arrive at the front entrance a young Indian guy is coming out the door with slight stagger.”

“Sir,” Barbara asks, “I would like to hear your views on prejudice and discrimination in South Dakota.”

“Sure, what would you like to know.”

Mrs. Walter begins her interview and about half way through her questioning she notices that the young man has several feathers attached to his hair. She stops her interview and asks.”

“Sir, why is it that you have several feathers attached to your hair?”

The young man replies, “Well, I’m kind of known as an Indian playboy and each of these feathers represent my sexual conquests.”

“Oh, that is quite interesting, that must be a cultural thing, right”

“I guess.” he responds. 

“Next, the ABC crew goes to the tribal headquarters where they have an appointment to interview the tribal chief.”

“Arriving at his office they find the chief in full regalia, covered in feathers from head to foot.”

“Forgetting the interview Barbara asks, “Chief, why is it that you are wearing all those feathers?

The chief replies. “Well, I’ve had all kinds of women in my life. Young ones, old ones, white ones, Indian ones, pretty ones and some not so pretty, fat ones, skinny ones, I had them all, and these feathers represent all of my sexual conquests.”

Forgetting the reason for the interview Barbara indignantly replies, “You hostile Indian!”

To which the chief replies. “ Hostile, dog style, any style.”

“You ought to be hung.” Barbara blurts out.

“Hung like a buffalo.” “The chief replies. 

“Oh dear.” Barbara says.

“No touch deer, the chief says, “they run to fast, assholes to high.”

“I am sure that the interview with our chief was the reason the segment on Racial Discrimination in South Dakota never was aired.”

“My sister works at the Indian Hospital and she was telling me that they were holding a PAP smear clinic for all the young women on the reservation.”

“A nurse was interviewing this a young girl and the nurse asks, “I have to ask you a some questions.”

“Are you sexually active?”
To which the young girl responds. “No, I just lay there!” 

“Do you smoke?” “Yes.”

“Do you smoke after sex?” “I don’t know I never noticed!”

“The young girl was being totally honest in her answers. The nurse had to excuse herself from the examining room and went outside and burst out laughing.”

Part Four

“In the 1840’s a Jesuit priest stationed in Chicago felt a calling from God to venture out west to aid in the civilization of the Indian.”

“At that time Chicago was at the end of the frontier.”

“The military outpost at Fort Snelling Minnesota was established maintain peaceful relations with the Dakota Indian. It took several attempts by the young priest to convince his superiors that God wanted him to “go west young man.” Finally, after approving his request the priest travels down to St Louis and then takes a steamboat up the Mississippi River to Fort Snelling.”

“In those days a trip like this took several weeks. This gave him time to reflect on what he could do to aid the Indians. Arriving at Fort Snelling the Jesuit purchases a horse and enough supplies to last a month. He starts out in search of the Dakota Indian to what is now western Minnesota.” 

“He decided that his part in the cilization process would be to teach the Dakota Indian the English language, however, that presented a problem. He did not know a word of the Dakota language and obviously the Dakota Indian did not know English. After much prayer and thought he formulated a plan.”

“Upon finding a band of friendly Dakota’s he offered them his plan. He decided the best way to teach the Indian was to take a group or class of willing Indians on field trips. Using his surroundings as a classroom.”

“He would point to an object and give the name in English. For example, he would point at a tree and say Tree. The Sky. The clouds. The grass. The color green, and brown, and so forth.”

“The Jesuit to his delight found this simple point and name the object worked quite well. The class made great strides in learning the English language.” 

“On day his eager students were out practicing their new language skills and they inadvertently came upon an Indian guy and girl making love in the grass.”

“The class stopped and curiously looked at the priest for an explanation. The Jesuit without hesitation pointed and stated: “Man on sled.”

“Whereupon a young warrior in the class hastily withdrew an arrow from his quiver case and loads his bow and fires away - hitting the target. The Jesuit is horrified.”

He asks. “Why did you do that?

The young brave replies. “That’s my sled!”

“After the US government negotiated the 1887 General Allotment Act with the Sisseton and Wahpeton bands of Dakota Indian their reservation was opened up to homesteading in 1892 and the reservation land base dwindled from 916,000 acres to less then 300,000 acres. Indians became United States citizen in 1924.”

“Just a couple more short stories and I am out of here.” I say to Jake. 

“There was a white settler who was really liking it for this Indian guys horse.”

“Seeing a chance to get the horse at a bargain price he approaches the Indian and says. “Chief, I sure like your horse, and I’ll give you twenty dollars for him.”

“The Indian replies. “Horse don’t look too good.”

The white man replies. “He looks pretty good to me, I will give you twenty-five dollars for him.”

“Okay,” the Indian replies, “but he don’t look to good.”

“The next day the white man comes looking for the Indian, madder then hell.”

“He finds the Indian and says, “Chief, you sold me a blind horse and I want my money back.”

“I told you he don’t look too good.” The Indian answered back. 

“An older Indian man and women were traveling on a train. The man says to his wife. “Chief want water!”

The wife jumps up from her seat and scurries down the aisle returning with a cup of water.”

“The Indian man gulps down the cup of water and says. “Chief, want more water!”

Again, the faithful wife scurries down the aisle and returns with a cup of water. Drinking the water he agains demand more water.”

“However, this time the duteous wife retuns without any water. “Where water?” The Chief demands.

“No more water,” she replies, “White man sitting on well!” 

“A man in the first class section of the airplane notices a beautiful women sitting across the aisle.”

“She has an expensive fur wrap on the seat next to her and diamond rings on both of her hands.”

“Clearly she is very wealthy.”

“The man buys a bottle of champagne and after talking her into joining him for a glass he asks her how she made her obvious fortune.”

“I am a prostitute.” She says, “And, sometimes I can make up to ten thousand dollars a night.”

“You must be very good at what you do.” He says.

“I am.” “In fact I charge some men twenty-five thousand dollars a night.”

“Do you ever have sex for free?” He asks.

“Yes, but, only from two types of men. Polish men and Native American men.”

“Why is that?” He asks.

“Because Polish men are wonderful lovers, they are considerate, eager to please, and they don’t have a lot of hang ups.”

“Native American men are passionate lovers. They have been treated badly by this country and they have a lot of anger. They channel that anger into sexual passion, it’s unbelievably good.”

“That really interesting,” the man says.

“Did I introduce myself, she asks?”

“No, I don’t believe you did.”

“My name his Heather Smith.”

“What is yours?”

“My name is Tonto.”

“Tonto Wadowski.”

“Hahaha, okay, Jake, thanks for the drinks, nice talking to you.”

“Did I answer your question on why the tribe changed its name?”

The end.

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